I long to be washed clean

I wrote this late at night while on Facebook. I became overwhelmed with how much information was flooding toward me. I wanted connection to my world and instead I felt I was drowning. I share my thoughts with you.

"Information floods my brain.
Waves Stretch and Arch out of the vast ocean
Slide over the hissing rush of the previous waves dance over wet sand and rocks
Simultaneously Crashing reach to the shore
And pulled back to its source.
In my dizzy spinning of endless infinite limitless possibility
The hum in my heart that sees beauty in your smile are my North Star"

(The above thoughts then produced these thoughts)


I long to be washed clean, swept back to the ocean a Tabla Rasa knowing nothing except that which is essential. Instead of believing I am the wave crashing upon the shore I want to know in my bones I am the Ocean the wave arises out of. I long to revere the mystery of my own heartbeat and breathe, to trust the endless rhythmic pulse, to witness the effortless cycles of growing out of itself and falling back into itself.

I do not want to control it all. I do not want to arrive at some ultimate ending in which I can finally stand for the rest of eternity.

I want instead to trust I am a part of a hugeness that is so grand that my little mind can not even conceive of it. I want to open to the endless joy of finding my way out of myself and back into myself. I want to know the beginning is in the end and the end is in the beginning enough to release all fear of death. Life, not just my life but all life, deserves to be loved with fearless fierceness to respect and cherish everything in life while we are here. I want to be awake to the exquisite special uniqueness of each moment knowing I will never pass this way again; each encounter, each moment, a brilliant jewel of light on water. I want to trust and love life so much that when I am called to return I welcome the dive into the deep darkness of my death. I do not want to resist my death out of fear when it is my time to go.

Each breath and heartbeat initiate me into remembering I am a part of endless cycles; waves in the oceans, the circling of the moon around the earth, the earth around the sun, and the sun through the milky wave. I am darkness turning to light and light to darkness, the turning of the seasons. I watch my birth and death in every thing alive. No straight lines only endless hoops of joyful circles growing out of itself, then dying to itself to be reborn: infinite expression of precise uniqueness. How boring to cower in the narrowness of fear. Let Go Trust this magnificent dance. We are all coded in our essence with this truth. No matter how hard we try or how completely we forget we can never stretch too far away from our source before we are drawn back like a wave to be born again out of that great Ocean. We all arise out of this playful and ingeniously creative oneness. I want to love enough to be fearless and empty enough to allow this subtle uniqueness called life to register and be savored by my conscious mind. Relax. Enjoy the ride. Do not try to hold on when you are drawn back to essential original state.

Ruth Gould-Goodman 7/17/09